Old Memories

            It’s funny how some people or place bring you back to the time when you were little and you remember little things or people you haven’t seen in years. This past weekend I had gone to Gallup for my cousin’s reception. While I was there I remembered when I was about 6 or 7 going to the park and playing for the longest time. Or after shopping and seeing family, my family and I would go to the mall and get smoothes from the food court. And now it feels so long ago to think of how much I’ve grown since then.

            Time flies when you want to grow up. And now I wish I could go back to those times when I was a little kid and not knowing so much as I do now. Back to the time when my grandparents were still alive, my parents still married, my auntie still lived at home, friends still with you, or knowing that most things come to an end.

            I was in the third grade when one day my dad had come home with my little brother from the community horse barn. He had tears in his eyes and was telling my mom something and I went to ask and she sat me down to tell me that one of my best friends, Anthony, had drowned while playing in a ditch with his cousins. Three had passed on that day. It was so shocking to me that I didn’t believe it. He had been my first crush and one of the funniest people I had known back then. Still to this day whenever I go by his house I would picture him on his bike or playing with his brothers.

            I think it’s hard for a child to understand some things or even now as an adult it’s just the same. As if we don’t want to deal with the fact that something happens, or to let go of something to move on, I believe in everyone’s lives we all overcome some event that we have to move on from. But also to keep those special moments in your heart that brings incredible happiness and joy.

We Still Believe

Finding Something to Believe In.

On March 11, it had been my 18th birthday and my plans were to hang out with my friends before I had to go back to Holbrook. But instead my mom had planned a meeting for me. I was not very much excited for this because I am not religious or very much traditional. I didn’t really care for the ways my mom pushed on to me and the lectures of how important this would be for me and the rest of the family. So for the past few months my mom and grandma had been driving around different places trying to find a medicine man to run the meeting, firewood, medicine, and a gift (not for me, of course). Although I did receive a gift which was a fan that I had to choose myself, I was not so thrilled of the whole ceremony that would be happening soon.

Friday night when I got home, my mom, grandma, and aunts all sat me down and talked to me about the importance of this meeting and how it will help with my education and life. While they were talking I had noticed my younger brother tying his drum in the living room getting ready to practice with my uncle. It made me wonder, why am I acting this way... I should be more of a role model to my cousins and siblings.

So on Saturday morning I drove home and got ready. My mom had started breakfast and I saw that some of the men of our family had started setting up the teepee. Later on that day about 6pm or so we started dinner for the people who would be arriving. At 8:30 we got ready for the meeting; my mom had brought me my necklace, huge turquoise bracelets which made it hard to put my hand back, rings, and earrings. It was funny to see the earrings, because of my stretched lobes and how un-leveled they were. So I didn’t were them.

Around 9 we had to go in to the teepee. When we sat down the medicine man had told me of what was going to be happening through the whole night and what I was to do. Medicine was pasted around a couple of times throughout the night and people sang and prayed for me. My uncles and grandpas all spoke to me about how important education is now and to keep my tradition going when I’m away. I got a little emotional when my uncle talked about my grandma and also when my grandpa’s son sang. The meeting hadn’t ended until 7 in the morning. When we got out we went to the house and helped with what hadn’t been done already. I was called back in to the teepee to break the moon and take it out. I went back inside and helped brought the food out for everyone, and we ate. About 11 or 12 everyone was gone and the teepee had been taken down. My younger brother was sitting down and watching TV when I asked him why he didn’t sing for me last night. And he replied "it's harder than you think".

When I think about the times my mom took us to church and how difficult it was to understand Christianity and then going back to our traditions, it just confused me. Like how you're suppose to believe the one and only “god” and then with my traditions it’s like The Creator. I guess it would be the same but it really isn’t. My beliefs and religion don’t really matter to me anymore.

I guess when I asked my brother why he hadn’t sang that night and he said it’s harder than you think, it made me think of my religion and why it’s hard for me to find myself in something I believe in.

Respect.

Two weekends ago I went grocery shopping with my mom and younger sister. As we were shopping, we noticed elderly women taking her time browsing through the meat section. My mom had told me to grab some milk from a different part of the store. While I was walking back a teenage girl, about my sister’s age, storms by with a cart and started rushing the lady. She was the lady’s granddaughter, of course. But in the whole time my mom was getting food for the weekend, we could hear the teenage girl yelling repetitively at her grandmother saying “K’ad!?” which means “now” in Navajo. It was so shocking to see someone treat their family member like that, especially a young girl. I was raised to treat people with respect and respect elderly people more because they are wiser and that they know more than I do. But I remember seeing my mom’s face and how bad she wanted to say something to that girl. And I too wanted to say something, but I couldn’t because I didn’t think of how the lady would have taken it. It hurt to see the elderly women get treated like that. It took so much not to say something to that girl like “Quit being a stupid little girl. You’re embarrassing yourself way more than pushing around that damn cart."

It saddens me to see that kind of treatment done to someone they love, because I never had the chance to actually be with my grandparents. On my father’s side I never met my grandma or grandpa, because my grandma passed when my dad was only a child and he never met his father. My mom’s mom passed when I was only 7 and I never met my grandpa.

Since I never actually had a grandpa or grandma, I guess it’s different. I see how kids treat their grandparents and it makes me think of how it would have been if mine were still around.

But now seeing more events like this happen around my town I don’t think I have seen this much disrespect in a long time. Even when I was a child I don’t remember seeing anyone doing that. My guess is because of the society today, with the IDGAF or the “I can do whatever I want” attitude we have now; we don’t care what people think of us, even if we are embarrassing ourselves in public and act like complete morons.

I Can, I Am

U.A.B.B.
"City Hall"
And when it looks like there’s no where else to go, there is
When it feels like you’re all alone, you’re not
If you don’t wanna fail, you won’t
If you wanna live, you will
This is the moment that separates you from everyone else
To everyone whose believed in us through the highs and so many lows,
we did it and no one can ever take this away
I am supposed to be here
I was born to be here
I can, I am


This part of a lyric I love, because it reminds me that there is always someone or something that will believe in me. Whether they know me or not, there will always be someone out there who will be by my side and I will never be alone. And the people who have been here for me they will always be.
Though friends and family leave us, we have more family to fall upon and we make more friends than we actually think of. I think that we don’t actually think about the people around us because we’re afraid of opening up to someone we don’t know. But in reality we do it every day, to our friends for example. We will don’t know how much strength we actually have to be able to stand alone in this world. We could but it would be a struggle.
Whether or not you feel alone or stuck, I believe that we all are not in some point in our lives. We will always have someone there for us even when we don’t know it. Like a friend, family member, or girlfriend or boyfriend. We are not alone.

There are so many other reasons I love this song. From the struggle, living, believing in ourselves, and the accomplishments, we go through it in some point in our lives and will for the rest. So believe in yourselves through the highs and the lows, because we can.

So as many know that I'm not very vocal or shy as some would say. But I don't very much agree with being shy, although I'm not very talkative. But I am open to people I do know well, or with the people I hang out with more often than the kids in class. And that I am different than what some people just see on the outside.

So here are two main things to know about me:

1. Art. I love art. So many creative things pop into my head when I'm anywhere. Although some of my art isn't displayed as much where people can see I'm pretty good if I must say. Portraits is my strongest point. I'm a realistic drawer and I sketch what I see and now what will make my art look "prettier" or more appealing. I believe that through art you can communicate more with the world. And having your own perspectives on different works.

2. Music. I play the piano, not Beethoven status just the basics knowledge of the works. Some songs I like to play are Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven and Prelude in E Minor by Chopin.

I listen to mainly Pop Punk. Bands like Transit, The Wonder Years, This Story so Far, and Title Fight. Some Death-core such as Chelsea Grin, Upon A Burning Body, Emmure, and Iwrestledabearonce. And some Rap & Hip Hop, hard to believe... right? to name a few Tyga, Frank Ocean, Honey Cocaine, French Montana, the ASAP crew, and Odd Future. I'm very open to anything basically.

So my message is not to judge what you see. Get to know the person, you never know who they really are with just a look.

body modifications

So every since 8th grade year I've been asked many times "Did that hurt?", "How long did it take for you to get to that size?", "What are you going to do when your old?" And my answer would always be "Not at the moment but when I had it done and a couple days after it sure did" "A couple months now", & "I'm not going to do anything because I don't and will not regret having them". What I'm referring to are the piercings and stretching of my ear lobes I've been doing for quite some time now. 

Stretched lobes: The process of stretching or increasing the size of your ear lobes with tapers or taping to have a bigger piercing. NOT called gauging.

The two body modifications have been in my life since 2008 and will be in my life for as long as I live. But between then and now I've had a Monroe, tongue, septum, spider & snake bite pierces, and PLUGS not called gauges. And in the process of all that I've had swelling & only once a blowout. Not the best thing to have and pretty disgusting. I've learned new techniques on how to take care of them and how to stretch without having the gross blowouts. But for the past few months I've stretched and downsized so many times that I've lost count, basically because I lose plugs easily and waiting to buy new ones takes some time. Today at the size of 1&3/8 inch, I've decided to stretch up to my goal of 1&3/4inch or possibly 2inches... if I can. 
Sounds quite large but i don't think so, because since I've started each size I get to it seems smaller each time. Not that it's because it's a "new" trend and tons of people have them now, but because it makes me different from other people and makes me who I am. Not a rebellious teenager trying to get attention. I am the total opposite. 
Having body modifications and the society now has made it very difficult to have people understand how different it is for people like me live in world without being an out casted and put on the spot. Such as being in high school and being asked in front of class "Why did you do that to yourself!?", or having jokes made like "Your grand kids will be swinging around with your ears", or people sticking pencils or their fingers through it (not amusing and also very annoying). Or having a summer job and being asked to take the studs out of my piercings and having to take out the plugs also. Ithink one of the biggest challenges of my modifications will be getting a job.  I have a friend who is going into nursing and he had to take out his plugs and close them completely before he starts his training. And as for me and my interest in being in the navy... I can't because of my lobes once again. I guess having a job limits your wants in your life sometimes. Like having certain tattoos it's "frowned upon" in our society.
In the end I'm almost 18 I'd say that it is not a lot for someone my age to have had that many modifications because when you think outside of the small little town we all live in it isn't. Many teenagers I've seen have more metal in their face than I ever had. And the trends will remain and grow with time.
-Go Big or Go Home,

xo.

dreaming dreams.

Dreams are confusing to me for some odd reason. sometimes there good and you don't want to wake up, and on the other hand they're bad. or possibly both. and that is one of the reasons i don't like sleeping because of the dreams i dream. i don't sleep at all some nights because I'm "scared" of what my head will make up for me. sometimes i wake up and wonder why i dream of horrible things that i don't even think about during that day or the past week or month. and most of the time I'm so exhausted for the next day and don't feel like doing anything but sleep. which is a problem again cause i can't sleep in class or where ever i'm at. and whenever i do get to a decent sleep it makes a huge difference in what I'm going to be doing like school for an example. so my point is obviously i don't sleep often than i really should be.
one example of my sleepless nights is a dream i had last night, and it resulted in me laying in bed until 4 scared so bad that i started imagining certain people in my dream from the shadows in my room. then unable to do anything else i went to my moms room & told her about and crying saying "i hate dreaming". after all that i went back to bed having to think about something that made me laugh and happy i was finally able to go to back to sleep around 6.
but besides all the nightmares there are some pretty nice dreams i like and i wake up wishing the dream would have continued. such as a dream i had about a month ago (i wrote it out because i wanted to remember it) where i was heading home on the bus and all my friends were on it with me and one of my friends sat by me & it was nice. and eating deep red oranges not grapefruits but oranges.. and the dream changed to where i was home. my sister, little cousin brother and i were outside and meteors were falling. and we watched for a long time and the meteors changed to being like we were in space and were watching nebulae being created. it was so beautiful. and i woke up to my alarm. one of the best dreams i've had this year.

xo.

- HighSchool, NerdTalk, SundayMornings

it's funny how when your in a conversation with someone and you get distracted. & you just i guess think of something else. as if your in your own little world. might sound a little crazy but that's what i experienced quite a few times this past week. all I've been thinking about is life after high school and how it's going to change... the choices I'm going to have to make to live in the "real world". like what am i going to do when i need cash? will i ask my mom... most likely she's gonna say "get a job!" or something not as bad as that but still the same idea, in a way. besides that most of my thoughts have been in school which isn't good to be doing but it just happens. for example, thinking about the day before all i did was hang out with some bros & watch them play video games and listen to them having their "nerd talk" about different gaming machines and hard drives... i mean i know what they're talking about but when they start naming the cord names or the size of the hard drive, I'm lost. or when they head outside for a smoke i try to think of something else to do.my thought right now is basically "get some sleep" but i can't sleep. and that's a problem, because i am not a bit tired. & now I'm getting "good morning" texts. which is odd for me cause i sleep in until like 12 on Sundays and get ready, pack my stuff, and off to Chinle by 1. i guess what I'm trying to get at is that i hate mornings, they're just an excuse to stay up all night and wake up at noon to do the same thing over again which is mostly possible during breaks or the summers. although the plus side of mornings are the pretty sunrises and the cool air, pretty lovely.

xo