Finding Something to Believe In.

On March 11, it had been my 18th birthday and my plans were to hang out with my friends before I had to go back to Holbrook. But instead my mom had planned a meeting for me. I was not very much excited for this because I am not religious or very much traditional. I didn’t really care for the ways my mom pushed on to me and the lectures of how important this would be for me and the rest of the family. So for the past few months my mom and grandma had been driving around different places trying to find a medicine man to run the meeting, firewood, medicine, and a gift (not for me, of course). Although I did receive a gift which was a fan that I had to choose myself, I was not so thrilled of the whole ceremony that would be happening soon.

Friday night when I got home, my mom, grandma, and aunts all sat me down and talked to me about the importance of this meeting and how it will help with my education and life. While they were talking I had noticed my younger brother tying his drum in the living room getting ready to practice with my uncle. It made me wonder, why am I acting this way... I should be more of a role model to my cousins and siblings.

So on Saturday morning I drove home and got ready. My mom had started breakfast and I saw that some of the men of our family had started setting up the teepee. Later on that day about 6pm or so we started dinner for the people who would be arriving. At 8:30 we got ready for the meeting; my mom had brought me my necklace, huge turquoise bracelets which made it hard to put my hand back, rings, and earrings. It was funny to see the earrings, because of my stretched lobes and how un-leveled they were. So I didn’t were them.

Around 9 we had to go in to the teepee. When we sat down the medicine man had told me of what was going to be happening through the whole night and what I was to do. Medicine was pasted around a couple of times throughout the night and people sang and prayed for me. My uncles and grandpas all spoke to me about how important education is now and to keep my tradition going when I’m away. I got a little emotional when my uncle talked about my grandma and also when my grandpa’s son sang. The meeting hadn’t ended until 7 in the morning. When we got out we went to the house and helped with what hadn’t been done already. I was called back in to the teepee to break the moon and take it out. I went back inside and helped brought the food out for everyone, and we ate. About 11 or 12 everyone was gone and the teepee had been taken down. My younger brother was sitting down and watching TV when I asked him why he didn’t sing for me last night. And he replied "it's harder than you think".

When I think about the times my mom took us to church and how difficult it was to understand Christianity and then going back to our traditions, it just confused me. Like how you're suppose to believe the one and only “god” and then with my traditions it’s like The Creator. I guess it would be the same but it really isn’t. My beliefs and religion don’t really matter to me anymore.

I guess when I asked my brother why he hadn’t sang that night and he said it’s harder than you think, it made me think of my religion and why it’s hard for me to find myself in something I believe in.